Yesterday I was buying 2 large bags of dog food at Wal-Mart, for my dogs: Winston, Chief, Gus, and Maximus. I was about to check out when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. (What did she think that I had an elephant?)

Since I had little else to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital last time. On the bright side though, I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of every hole in my body and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry, that the food is nutritionally complete; so I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was enthralled with my story by now.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food had poisoned me. I told her no; I stopped in the middle of the parking lot to lick my butt and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack; he was laughing so hard!

WAL-MART won't let me shop there anymore.